How to read school reports

IN ENGLAND IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO SPEAK DIRECTLY: directness can hurt. So if you bought an old car or put on an ugly dress, no one will express their “fuck”. You will hear the excited “How lovely!” (“How cute!”) and/or variations thereof. A smile makes a gray day brighter!

In SCHOOLS the situation is identical. At a parent meeting, mothers and fathers do not sit in the classroom, like ours, but move, as if at a fair, from one teacher to another, and listen ONLY ABOUT THEIR CHILD.

They listen and are thrilled, because, as it seems to them, what they are saying is good. Mostly, at least! The written reports, especially for the Russian eye and ear, accustomed to harsh criticism, pour out continuous unctuous praise on the verge of ecstasy.

English Tatler has prepared a funny guide on how to READ BETWEEN THE LINES.

• “Your son can do even better”
  Translation: Your son is doing worse than ever.
  
  
• "Your daughter has many friends"
  Translation: Your daughter kissed all the boys in her class. God knows how far she's come.
  
  
• “Your son has many friends”
  Translation: Your son is keeping the whole class in fear.
  
  
• "Tina is mature beyond her years"
  Translation: Tina needs to stop dressing like Beyoncé and flirting with her history teacher.
  
  
• "Mary is very emotional"
  Translation: Last week a boy made fun of her dinosaur pencil case. As a result, three teachers pacified Mary, who covered the offender with beatings.
  
  
• "Toby likes to always be busy"
  Translation: Toby eats his goats
  
  
• "Matilda is very ambitious"
  Translation: When Clarissa played the trombone a little better, Matilda threw her trombone into the street, where it was run over by a truck.
  
  
• “Patrick has a very keen interest in the natural sciences.”
  Translation: Patrick found a dead rat on the playground and dismembered it with a pair of compasses.
  
  
• "Emily is a very religious girl"
  Translation: Emily drew a circle around Patrick the rat and spent the entire walking time chanting, trying to bring him back from the dead.
  
  
• “Martin is very mature for 11 years old.”
  Translation: Martin smokes
  
  
• “Emma is so beautiful. She should definitely think about a modeling career."
  Translation: Emma is truly the stupidest person I've ever met. Even stupider than your wife.
  
  
• “I know Michelle is only 15, but we are all sure that she will be a wonderful mother.”
  Translation: we think in about seven months
  
  
• “Oxford may be too ambitious for Jeremy, but we are confident he will get into the institute.”
  Translation: Only this institute will not be a university... more like a prison